hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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