Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
