so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
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You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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