Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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