My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
