I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
