so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
