I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I touched a dick in church today
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
