im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
