they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
