this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
