turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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