I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
