New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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