So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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