Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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