My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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