They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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