you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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