Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
This baby is an asshole
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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