I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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