If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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