you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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