Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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