i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What a dumb baby whore.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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