Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
