Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
