The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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