when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
