so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
