then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
In America we eat man semen.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
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I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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