I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
