Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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