In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
