Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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