apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I understand Curling. That high.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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