if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
