On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
