John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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