walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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