my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
