It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
