I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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