You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Randomize
