all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
