Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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