seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
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Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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