He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
