Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
