Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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