i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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