Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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