Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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