how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
