Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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