please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
